Why Competence and Accomplishment Matter for Men’s Mental Health

In working with men and their mental health, I’ve noticed that different men respond to different approaches when they are trying to overcome challenges. But one thing I often see is this: many men also respond well to building competence and accomplishment. Not in a shallow “just work harder” kind of way. And not in the sense that a man’s worth should be measured by his income, productivity, job title or status.

For many men, feeling capable matters. Feeling useful matters. Feeling like they can solve problems, handle pressure, make decisions, lead themselves, support their family, and move their life in a direction they respect can have a real impact on mental health.

There are probably a few reasons for this.

Some of it may be cultural. Men are often expected to provide, stay composed, make decisions, and manage problems when they arise. In some families and communities, men may be looked to as the person who should know what to do, fix the issue, or carry the pressure quietly. Some of it may also connect with a more masculine impulse toward action, problem-solving and responsibility. I do not think we always need to get stuck in the debate about whether this is social conditioning or something more innate. It may be both. Culture, biology, personality, family history and individual values can all be operating at the same time.

But the point is this: When a man loses his sense of competence, it can affect him deeply. If he feels ineffective at work, unable to lead himself, disconnected in his relationship, unsure how to manage conflict, or unable to overcome a challenge, it can start to impact his confidence, self-esteem and identity.

This is where accomplishment can become therapeutically useful. In the PERMA model of wellbeing, Martin Seligman identifies Accomplishment as one of the key elements of flourishing, alongside Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships and Meaning (Seligman, 2011). Accomplishment is not just about external success. It is about making progress, building mastery, and experiencing yourself as someone who can take action and move forward.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs also points in a similar direction. Maslow described human motivation as involving different layers of need, including safety, belonging, esteem and self-actualisation (Maslow, 1943). Esteem is relevant here because it includes confidence, respect, achievement and feeling capable in the world. This is important in men’s mental health because confidence often grows through lived experience.

Albert Bandura’s work on human agency and self-efficacy suggests that people develop confidence in their ability to act through repeated experiences of taking action, solving problems and recognising that they can influence their own lives (Bandura, 2018).

I’m reminded of one person I worked with who was struggling with alcohol and substance use. One of the things he started doing was waking up in the morning and cleaning out the kitchen. He would remove the bottles, clean the space, and set himself up for the day as someone who, in his words, “doesn’t drink.” It gave him a small experience of control. A small experience of competence. A small sign that he could act differently, even if he had not solved the whole problem yet. That is often how confidence is built.

This can show up in simple routines: going to the gym, eating better, sleeping more consistently, cleaning your space, showing up to work, having a difficult conversation, calling a friend, or doing one thing you said you would do. It can also show up through skill development.

For some men, that might mean learning how to have difficult conversations. For others, it might mean learning how to express emotion without becoming reactive. It might mean opening up to a friend about feeling isolated. It might mean learning to set a boundary in a relationship. It might mean taking responsibility for health, finances, study, work, parenting or emotional regulation.

These things do not need to be done all at once.

Progress can be measured in percentages.

You might be five percent more honest than you were last month. Ten percent more consistent. Slightly more able to pause before reacting. A bit more willing to ask for help. A little better at saying what you mean.

I also think we need to challenge a cliché that often sits around men and therapy. There is a common idea that men only want task-oriented conversations and are not interested in deeper emotional work. I do not think that is fully true.

Many men are willing to go deep, but they often need the emotional work to connect with direction, responsibility and action. For some men, talking about feelings without any movement can feel frustrating. But when emotional work is connected to competence, self-respect, values and practical change, it can become much more meaningful.

When you are supporting a man in your life who may be struggling, it can be helpful to ask about what he is trying to build, what he has already managed to do, and where he wants to feel more capable.

Sometimes it helps to ask:

“What have you done recently that you are not giving yourself credit for?”

Or:

“What is one small thing you could do this week that would help you respect yourself more?”

These are not magic questions. But they can help a man reconnect with agency.

The warning is that accomplishment can also become unhealthy if it turns into constant comparison, perfectionism, or the belief that you are only valuable when you are achieving. That is not the point.

The point is not to pressure men into unrealistic standards.

The point is to help men build confidence through small, meaningful actions that restore self-respect.

Mental health is not only about reducing distress.

It is also about building a life that feels worth engaging in.

References

Bandura, A. (2018). Toward a psychology of human agency: Pathways and reflections. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 13(2), 130–136. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691617699280

Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0054346

Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. Free Press.

Work With Men’s Evolution Therapy

Men’s Evolution Therapy offers online counselling for men who want practical, respectful support with mental health, relationships, emotional regulation, confidence, masculinity and direction.

You can book a free discovery call directly through the website at:

www.mensevolutiontherapy.com.au